Smokescreen

I am trying so desperately hard

Not to let my desperation show

Covering it up with empty smiles

And vacant sincerity, made up 'glow'

Scintillating conversation

Is a brilliant enough smokescreen

Look behind that amused twinkle

Do you catch a glimpse of ashen green?

Its been so long since I have breathed freely

Longer since I have intellectualised

Routine is a wonderful friend here

It disguises how much I am despised

Despicable am I? Think again will you?

In despising where do you stand?

Who gave you the monopoly over judgement?

What makes you abominously grand?

Is it your cover and smokescreen, you way

Of camouflaging your narrow mind?

Or is it just that you aren't able?

To accomodate my difference, and be kind?

Tomorrow will be another day

Routine, twinkles, and ashen green

Day after, I shall wonder

Was day before another smokescreen?

One evening in the park

Suddenly the lights come on and dusk is upon us

The leaves are rustling in the breeze

The flowers are going to sleep

The mad pace of day is starting to ease

Gleeful children playing freely

Quiet conversations of gentle cliques

Cackles of laughter, hoots and giggles

The vapidness of unkind shrieks

'Catching up' with one another

At the end of a long day or week

Laughing together over cups of coffee

Just friends, no longer office geeks

These walls enclose my home and friends

These gardens are where our children play

Let's take a moment to stand together

And savour an uneventful day.

Point of Inflection

Some crazy insipid evening full of green, cool breezes and beauty. Walking home from evening sojourn in park. Someone calls my name. Asks to speak to me. I wait for her to catch up.

She catches up, another mild acquaintance in tow and launches into diatribe. Deep embarrassment for companion. Slight grimace of distaste from self. However, what may have been an attempt to cower, turns into verbal spat. I state my case, and my distaste at its public airing when a private conversation may have sufficed, and exit.

Deep indignation at reaching privacy of home. Introspection. Mild seed of enlightenment sown.

Further introspection. Decision to effect change. Beyond wife, mother, daughter, sister- what lies within? What makes me happy? Decide to carve out identity inclusive of these facets, and more. Exploration, experimentation...feel the old surge of adrenalin.. coming back to life an incredible ride.

Thank you screaming banshee.. you have turned my life around. Because I decided to let more into my life than your diatribe. Because I can, and I will.

Because I am not middle aged, and if I was, I would love the wisdom that came with it. Because I am a woman- and my identity can stand on its own legs along with being fleshed out to complete beauty by the roles I perform.

Because I had promised myself to be Ulysses of Tennyson, and had forgotten. Oh the joy of remembering again. Thank you for bringing me to my point of inflection.

"To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield"- Ulysses, Tennyson