What the Heart wants

Two days ago, as I was bringing my dad back from an eye check up, he felt discomfort and closeness in his chest and sat down. A wonderful set of doctors and other medical professionals stabilised him at the eye hospital, and we subsequently took him to a regular ER set up..

What touched me is when I offered to pay the first team of doctors for their services, they refused he payment but urged me to take him post haste to a better equipped place.. What a contrast to the commercially compulsive hospitals we took him to later..

While the care they gave him was definitely adequate and competent, what was missing was the spirit of service we saw at the eye hospital which is run by a charitable trust.. And once more through the harrowing experience of seeing my dad through this episode, the vacuum in our healthcare systems for the spirit of service, came home to me again.

I have absolutely nothing against commercially viable services being offered in healthcare.. But I feel that the line should be drawn along ethical lines as to what makes the organisation commercially viable and what makes it a racket..unfortunately, I sense that the lines are far too fuzzy for comfort at this point.. What the heart wants, what we all need, is care with a spirit of service to the sick and ailing.. Remember the oath we know doctors take?

Having said that, I doff my hat to the wonderful folks, and I know there are still some left, who imbibe this spirit and also are exceptional professionals. May your tribe increase. Amen.

Smokescreen

I am trying so desperately hard

Not to let my desperation show

Covering it up with empty smiles

And vacant sincerity, made up 'glow'

Scintillating conversation

Is a brilliant enough smokescreen

Look behind that amused twinkle

Do you catch a glimpse of ashen green?

Its been so long since I have breathed freely

Longer since I have intellectualised

Routine is a wonderful friend here

It disguises how much I am despised

Despicable am I? Think again will you?

In despising where do you stand?

Who gave you the monopoly over judgement?

What makes you abominously grand?

Is it your cover and smokescreen, you way

Of camouflaging your narrow mind?

Or is it just that you aren't able?

To accomodate my difference, and be kind?

Tomorrow will be another day

Routine, twinkles, and ashen green

Day after, I shall wonder

Was day before another smokescreen?

One evening in the park

Suddenly the lights come on and dusk is upon us

The leaves are rustling in the breeze

The flowers are going to sleep

The mad pace of day is starting to ease

Gleeful children playing freely

Quiet conversations of gentle cliques

Cackles of laughter, hoots and giggles

The vapidness of unkind shrieks

'Catching up' with one another

At the end of a long day or week

Laughing together over cups of coffee

Just friends, no longer office geeks

These walls enclose my home and friends

These gardens are where our children play

Let's take a moment to stand together

And savour an uneventful day.

Point of Inflection

Some crazy insipid evening full of green, cool breezes and beauty. Walking home from evening sojourn in park. Someone calls my name. Asks to speak to me. I wait for her to catch up.

She catches up, another mild acquaintance in tow and launches into diatribe. Deep embarrassment for companion. Slight grimace of distaste from self. However, what may have been an attempt to cower, turns into verbal spat. I state my case, and my distaste at its public airing when a private conversation may have sufficed, and exit.

Deep indignation at reaching privacy of home. Introspection. Mild seed of enlightenment sown.

Further introspection. Decision to effect change. Beyond wife, mother, daughter, sister- what lies within? What makes me happy? Decide to carve out identity inclusive of these facets, and more. Exploration, experimentation...feel the old surge of adrenalin.. coming back to life an incredible ride.

Thank you screaming banshee.. you have turned my life around. Because I decided to let more into my life than your diatribe. Because I can, and I will.

Because I am not middle aged, and if I was, I would love the wisdom that came with it. Because I am a woman- and my identity can stand on its own legs along with being fleshed out to complete beauty by the roles I perform.

Because I had promised myself to be Ulysses of Tennyson, and had forgotten. Oh the joy of remembering again. Thank you for bringing me to my point of inflection.

"To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield"- Ulysses, Tennyson

Loss..

The last fortnight has been one when I have reflected very deeply on loss. The trigger was the passing of two people in my extended family..a great grand-aunt who was past 100 years in age and my husband's youngest uncle, who had lived "three score years and ten"(70).

I was struck by the vastly different nature of the two passings.

The former was a death that had been expected for a while, and one that had clocked too many years of suffering on the person as well as her family, who had watched her waste away from old age. She was a remarkable alert mind in an aged and decaying body..what cruel punishment for her. Most of us remarked when she passed that she had been freed of further suffering and had moved to better places.

The latter was a study in how evanescent life is, and can be. My husband's uncle was a dynamic and cheerful man, full of life and laughter. A week's illness took him from us, and the whole family is still having a hard time coping with the loss.

It must be hard to walk back into a room after a person has passed and see everything as it was before, but missing a person to touch the room with their presence. It must be hard to think of something one wants to share or seek advice on to figure out that the person with whom the conversation will take place is in another dimension..it is hardest for those who are left behind, especially if we have no time to prepare for the loss.

Loss brings hoe to us how much we are blessed with and never think of. Loss makes us humble and makes us turn ourselves to higher powers...to seek answers, and solace and strength. Loss therefore is a necessary part of living a full life. May one find it within to cope with dignity and balance and eventually move to peace..May God protect us all in His compassionate face.

Proudly Indian, 'Internationally'

I wrote this note on 25th December last year..wanted to add it to my blog..

To end the year on this note is something I did not consciously plan. But it it something that is happening as a circumstantial reaction.

I went through the newspaper articles on the theme of 26/11 - a year on, with that mixed sense of dissapointment that any Indian would have felt to read that we are still chasing the bad guys (and paying Rs 30 crores to keep one of them alive). I wondered what I could have done. All I do isbe rhetorical? So do I have a right to question any of it? I have not taken an active stand. I was out of the country. So I did not even march in solidarity. Even if I could have, I would not have been able to. So I read the newspaper reports about Major Sandeep Unnikrishnan, and all the other martyrs, and then the next day arrived.

Felt a little outrage at the poor show of political leaders at the memorial for the martyrs of the attack on the Parliament. But I did nothing.

Then I read about the Haagen Daaz incident. To open a store in the capital of a country, and bar any citizen at all from walking in, is just a wee much. This time I silently struck Haagen Daaz off my list of preferred brands.

I do not buy the explanations. They are just eye wash and the executives are hoping that the media will find the next big thing to cry out about. They are claiming poor knowledge of English on the part of mysterious links in the chain, who seem to have remarkably poor English in that they do nto understand the import of words like 'International'..

What has amazed me is that some people are willing to let it go as a mere 'Ooops' incident...How much are we willing to forgive, people?

We forgive attacks on our frontiers, in our cities. We forgive attacks on our students in Australia. We forgive poor standard of leadership. We forgive a bit too much.

What can we do? We can take a tiny stand, everyday. We can try and wear a handloom saree or an item of handloom origin on one day every week so that the saree industry and the handloom industry is just a little boosted by our custom. We can boycott brands that send out mixed racist messages, like the one mentioned in this note.

We can be less apologetic of our origins and roots. (In fact, lets demand a little more service the next time we are abroad, and not less: we are more in number, and it will eventually make business sense for people to listen to us). Let us not tolerate being treated like second class citizens in hotels and resorts where firang guests are clearly given preference...(I am sure we all have a Kerala/Rajasthan/Goa story to narrate or relate to where Indian service staff made us feel like second class citizens in our own country..

We pride ourselves on our sense of hospitality. I do feel proud of or heritage. But remember, guests have a code of conduct too. When we are guests in someone else's home we do not have license to destroy their home, or to treat them without respect or with disregard for human dignity. So let's be more rational in our hospitality and not tolerate people who can come in, walk all over our toes and leave without apologising. Because when tables are turned, they will not extend the same courtesy to you or me.

Assert your self as an Indian. We were civilised 5000 years ago..in the Early Vedic Age we had a more tolerant and equitable society than we do today. Civilisation is exhibiting respect for differences, and showing consideration for others. Let us understand that, and express our identity in a civilised way, but assertively.

We understand the meaning of the word 'International'..perhaps a huge surprise to people who may expect us to ride elephants into their stores. But the far bigger question, my visitor friend, is: Do YOU?

Been away..back now

I haven't been able to write for a while, for the usual reasons. But it is nice to be back. We have managed to move house and I am in love with the new place, although we have had to lock it up for a bit until we can get back to India. But the few days I spent there, waking up at dawn to see a briliant sunrise, to hear birds chirping outside my window, especially the koyal or the cuckoo, to hear the wind rustling the leaves in the trees despite the mad, mad, MAD construction noises.....I hope we live there for some years. I want to.

Despite some very turbulent times I have had in the past few weeks, I am carrying some inner calm, if not peace. Times still are turbulent. Family members are sick, or recovering, and anxiety on their behalf occupies my mind. But there is only so much I can do to agitate myself and I think I have crossed that threshold.

When I fel the calm rippling inside me I tell myself that I love my family, and I cannot please everyone all the time. I have decided to stop trying to, hard. I will always love, and I hope not to hurt. And if that is enough, then I am happy. If it isn't I have to learn to be happy with that imperfection, and keep trying. I can be me, and I can hope that is enough. I can stretch myself, but not to a point when I cannot recognise my image. There is so much I can do, and I will do it, and bit more, but not too much more than that. I pray it is enough.